Jungkook is lost. On one very late night he finds himself awake, starring at the ceiling with wide eyes open, fighting back the urge to cry. He sighs in discomfort, can’t help feeling the battle of his mind and his heart draining his energy down. Jungkook has known that this matters are taking up his mind and energy, but he can’t help it. He can’t restrain himself to not fall in love once again.
Taehyung is life. He is sunshine, he is everything. Every time he is around, his surroundings seems like brighten up a bit. He makes everyone laughs with his jokes. He makes the leaves dance with his movement. Taehyung does a lot of thing to perks up the world. A little bit more to makes Jungkook’s world alive.
They are friends in uni, they just have met each other for a few months, but Jungkook adores him so much. There is something in Taehyung’s laugh that makes him charming in every way possible. When Jungkook responses to the jokes, he does realise that there is a love in his every words, unintentionally.
But Jungkook knows that he can’t do that. He can’t loves him, like he can’t loves his old friend back in secondary school. Of course it will be an unrequited love, and Jungkook doesn’t know if he can handle that once again. He is a friend, but Jungkook can’t see him like the way it used to be. Something is mixed up in there, and it is love. And no matter Jungkook wishes for himself to stop, he can’t help but falling in love again, with the same pain all over his heart.
It is kind of bitter sweet; knowing that Taehyung himself is in Jungkook circle of friend. It will be much much easier, Jungkook thinks, if Taehyung is merely just a classmates. Not in a very close circle of friends or something. But, then, Jungkook whines in his mind, it is Taehyung’s personality that he loves. Jungkook loves the way Taehyung explains something, he loves the way Taehyung make weird gestures, he loves the way Taehyung be. If they are not close, maybe Jungkook will not falls in love with him.
“I am glad to meet you,” Taehyung says when they walks down the library’s stairs. “Because I don’t know how I would be if I didn’t!”
Jungkook just laughs in advance, he is telling the same thing casually. But deep down in his heart, he knows that he takes that statement far too seriously. He knows that it is not like what Jungkook thinks, but, once again, Jungkook can’t help it. It hurts a lot, but Jungkook keeps quiet. He can’t share this kind of thing with his friends, or else his friends will look at him differently. Like what he used to do before, he will just keep silent until whenever.
But keeping a secret, a big secret, is difficult. Sometimes Jungkook will wonders in fear; is he holding the elder’s hand too long? Is his secret revealed by that single actions? Is Jungkook making too much skinship from he intended to do? Sometimes Jungkook imagines that Jimin looks at him suspiciously when they walk together. Now Taehyung and Jungkook are inseparable, they will say. And Jungkook will both glad and sad when his friend says that.
“Hey, Kookie, do you know why Taehyung is absent today?” Hoseok asks.
“Huh? I don’t know. Why would I know?” Jungkook answers. “He doesn’t tell me, though.”
Hoseok shrugs. “Maybe he tells you something he didn’t tell us. I don’t know. See you later, then.”
When Jungkook watches Hoseok walks away, his heart is beating fast. Is that mean he spends his time too much with Taehyung? Are they now a very very close friend? Is Hoseok hyung implying something? Is Jungkook’s secret being known?
It is stressful, knowing that Jungkook still had four years of being together with Taehyung.
Sometimes Jungkook can’t help to showers Taehyung with affectionate, even though it is not explicitly. Jungkook remembers things well if it’s linking with Taehyung’s habit. Or just simple things like reminds the older to do the homework, or sharing the last piece of biscuit together. Jungkook often thinks about his way to shows his love to the others. He is not the type to clings like Hoseok hyung, or harasses them with love like Yoongi hyung. His friend ever tells him that he will loves someone like an old married couple. No need to show it to everyone, but deep in their heart they know that they love each other, and nothing is needed more.
And tonight, Jungkook bundles himself on his bed, tangles with his blanket with earphones on, blocking his roommate’s annoying laughs. He feels miserable. He haven’t find the solution for this problem yet.
Does this mean Jungkook needs to kill his heart to stop loving someone inappropriately? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t know. All Jungkook can do now is hide his feelings as long as he can, while trying to erases the fond feelings towards the older. Taehyung must not know, or else he will avoids him. For the sake of his new images in uni, Jungkook must maintain his new circle of friend. He doesn’t want to come back to his old self.
Jungkook must not cry over this, he thinks. Jungkook can handle these, he had experienced it before, and so he can do it once again, okay?
cross-posted to my personal blog here