I think I already live in lies for too long. Or maybe it is actually acquired in real life? I think I was trained to pretend so much until I didn’t know what is my actual intention. It is easy to talk to someone and pretend that you are truly care about them, and ignore them later. I did that too much, until finally when someone about which I really care come around, I don’t know what to do to keep them. Someone in the back of my head repeatedly tells me to be aware; to be cautious to everything. It anxious me. What if this person -the one which I really care- leaves me like I did to everyone else? What if it’s something like a karma? And thanks to that, up until today I don’t have anyone who I actually consider as my best-best friend.
Last night I dreamed about you again, for the first time in this month. I don’t really know why you appeared in my dream again, since we have no actual interaction in these past months. Legend says that when you dreamed about someone, that someone is missing you. I hope it is true, then. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. Oh, I feel so embarrassed when I typed that.
In the dream, we were holding hands, like what we never did in real life. We were clutching each other’s hand tightly, and didn’t care about the world said about us. Your hand was soft, and so was mine, and at that time I knew it was a dream. It was because I knew that I didn’t know how soft was your hand in real life, and it bothered me. We had been friends since six years ago. Holding hands is actually fine, isn’t it? Because our community accept it; because the society to where we belongs knows that it is just a friendly gestures between friends. It is just me who is afraid of my real feelings; who is afraid that someone will figured out my true feelings, and then afraid that someone will judge me.
At this point I don’t really think much if someone already know who I like and what I feel to certain someone, because I think I have spilled a lot of things out of my mind lately, and if you are smart enough to connect everything, you will know the subject of my dreams. I blame myself entirely for this, since I’ve been keeping this for myself since ages ago, and I am just tired of everything.
And I casually moved your hand to my cold cheeks, like it was nothing. And even in a dream I could sense those eyes judging me silently, but I didn’t care any more. It was just a dream, right? I could do anything I want in my own dream. And while those eyes were burning holes on my back, I stood up in front of you and beamed.
And few hours later I woke up in my room, staring at the ceiling dreamily, and wished you were with me at the exact moment. It will not be happening because you are currently in the different town; far far away from mine, and the possibility for you to come to me is zero percent.
February, 18th 2017
The very first shitposting I write in 2017, and a love story for my Valentine entry in this blog 🙂